Instead, Lemonade: a Hormonal, Nihilist Rant | VLOG | 23 MAR 2017

Never…go shopping for shapewear the week your period is supposed to start.

For that matter, don’t make YouTube videos around that time, either.

In fact, just don’t do anything that week, and if you can avoid it, don’t go anywhere near the isle where they keep the multipacks of snack “foods.”




I am not in denial about the way I look.

But I will admit, it is difficult for me to see all of me.

So, when you’re in the “big lady store” changing room, and there’s three mirrors, you end up seeing a whole lot more of yourself with the assistance of some seriously harsh lighting.

Look. I’m me. I am whatever I look like right now. Accepting where I am and loving me anyway is the very essence of radical self-acceptance, and the best way to spark change, in my humble opinion.

For those of you who have been morbidly obese for decades (like me) you will know that it’s not just the weight you carry. There’s a whole lot of emotional dross you’re dragging with you.

I believe getting rid of that baggage can be just as straightforward as losing the weight, but only if you know how.

Is the scar of growing up fat like the stretch marks you bear? Will it be with you forever?

Really, what is the incentive to lose weight? Well, let me tell you--today, there doesn’t feel like any incentives.

Stretch marks, cellulite, varicose veins, loose skin…seriously, though. Where is the incentive?

Basically, I’ve lost 25 lbs. and I feel like I’ve done nothing.

This is going to sound extremely esoteric, but I absolutely don’t care: the ONLY REASON I am still going is because I believe that one day, I will have none of the issues just I listed. I believe that one day, my body will be totally regenerated and not one cell from my old body will still be around.

“But health,” you say?

Let me tell you something: there is more to health than just statistically avoiding a heart attack.  There are plenty of people who would gladly have a heart attack—or five—if they could be guaranteed love, acceptance, and fun.

I fully intend NOT to recognize myself in four years. When I ‘get there,’ I want it to be like a completely new person has been born out of the current meat suit I’m wearing.

I’ll keep the fun parts—don’t worry. But there are some parts you may like now that will have to go.

And I won’t be sorry when they disappear.

When you say you want to change, a Higher Power smiles, gets really excited, and then opens up that Big Box Full of Doo-Doo. Next thing you know, it’s all over your face for everyone to see. You’re tripping over it everywhere you go. It’s pretty inconvenient, because you’re constantly dropping everything you’re doing to clean up piles of shit.

I feel like the more I ask for what I need, the less I have.

The less I have, the more I want.

The more I take to give myself, the emptier I feel.

The emptier I feel, the more I need.

And the more I need, the less I have.

You know, it’s really only the great people of the world who, when asked what they treasure the most will say,

“All of my failings and all of my hard times. The depths of my despair were my greatest teachers.”

And yet, it’s so true.


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